Journal Entry, 13 June 2019

The dust of the earth is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. The city and its grime and steel and selfishness. I need the selflessness of nature. To find myself amidst the trees, the bugs, the dirty ankles, and sweaty shirt after days of walking or days of daydreaming amongst the prairie grass. 

I feel as if there is a secret part of my soul that only comes alive when I have the wilderness in my lungs. I don't want my story to be a series of connecting the dots; I want my story to be a puzzle; the constant uncovering of possibilities and the self. 

I recently found Robyn Davidson's memoir TRACKS at the old antique mall in Alma, KS. I watched the film adaptation several years ago and fell in love with her heart and pursuit of something many considered foolish. But it is that foolishness that gives it purpose because it is not doing anything for others, only for the person that is the one pursuing such an adventure. 

I don't think we take true soul risks in this life. We are cultured and conditioned to take them with our finances, careers, houses, etc by pursuing what is considered and defined as a success by those whose market is our own pocketbook. 

I am wrestling with this notion and realization that what I may need, what my soul longs for, is contrary to what many people expect or consider appropriate for a young woman. I think I do want the typical things in life; a home, a craft I can put my hands and my mind towards, someone to love and encourage and support, maybe kids. So much is uncertain though, everything unknown and unexpected awaits for me within this next year. 

One last year at university. One last year of this contract and then I am free to truly open my wings and fly, stumble, and fall. Things I think I am needing more and more of. 

But I am also in desperate need of the quiet. To be alone. To wake with the sun and not worry about deadlines, emails; to not feel the pressure except for the tiredness of my body and mind from a long day of working and learning from the land.

I'm finding this is what I am needing.