"The strangeness of absence does not appear at once. Ever so slowly it gains shape in the disappearance of thoughts and the boxed up photographs, the restaurants and stores no longer visited, the books no longer read."
A new school term is beginning in a few days and I find myself thinking about the absence of so many things from my life. Things that were once transpiring, directions that I once thought I was going; all of it forgotten until its absence takes shape and I begin to recognize what was and what has become of it all.
Much of the past foreshadows the future, I think. If we look for it, it shall reveal itself, like a fading path amidst the prairie grasses is often stumbled upon. I wonder how much of life is unlived until one looks back, finally able to put the pieces thought to be so haphazardly cut back together.
As I type this, my eyes are drawn to the words taped to the wall above my desk. Words from different souls, walking through this world with questions and curiosities just as I do. These words have become beacons of light in a way, giving me reassurance, direction, and courage at times when I feel I have none at all.
"...It is not yours to determine how good it is,
nor how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open.
No artist is ever pleased.
There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.
There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes us more alive than the others."
Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille
I have discovered this blessed unrest (I suspect, however, that it has always been here and I have just now made its acquaintance).