Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Thoughts to Face in the Morning

comes from learning 
that every tide 
need not be yours 
to get swept up in"
- a very wise M.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

a constant in which I can find no consistency

We pass slowly
from one moment to the next
from one thought into another
a dream into reality

this year has been a blur
like all years are.
too many late nights, unfinished books,
and wondering

Wondering about what is to come
the day after.
when i'm twenty-six
what then?
where will i be?
what will i've seen?
who have i become?

these are questions i can not find the answers to
questions i must learn to live with,
abide with.
breathe in and exhale their often poisonous forming gas.

i question everything, and i think we were made to
begged to.
to question the why.
why me?
why here?
why now?
where we find our answers is not always a when,
but rather a who.
or a what.


i have often been held back by some inward force within my nature.
i walk oh so carefully next to a tripwire 
-- dreams and adventures
sometimes i have the courage to step over.
sometimes i blindly pursue them,
 making a royal mess of everything.
and sometimes, more often i regretfully must say,
don't go near that trip wire at all.
that invisible thread that separates all i've ever been
and all i've ever wanted to be.

it's funny that people think those are the same things.
they are not. 
like Jupiter with its many circulating moons,
we are constantly circulating different ideas,
bouncing into different orbits we think we might belong.
if we're lucky we will stay there for awhile,
enjoying it's new sights, sounds, tastes.

but gravity, oh that darn gravity, will slowly pull me back to me.
and i start suffocating.
choking on my dreams.
unable to process the photo of reality into a clear image.
it's murky, dark, grey.
there are smudges from mistakes,
sections cut out from the frame of memories i wish to forget.
actions deemed forgotten.

yet here we stay, don't we.
always percolating on that which we can not change.


they say the english language is formatted in the 
"past, present, future".
everyone knows though that is not the case.
we live our lives rotating between the past we can no longer touch and the future we can not clearly see.

what is to be done with you and me?

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

What is bravery? 

Is it defined, restricted to only those who have crossed the battlefields, risen from a past, left a relationship?

Or can it be simple?

Can someone be considered brave for stepping out of their box, out of their comfortability to try that which they thought they could not or were simply to scared to?

And what does it mean to be scared?

We complicate things when we narrow or define them, 
placing limits on things which limits should not exist.

It is the simple act of breathing that is bravery,
arising from the cold comforts of bed to face the day ahead,
and all that it brings.

This dear one is bravery. 

It is not a righteous act that only the pretty and proud can achieve. Rather you and I live in a constant battle of whether or not we will reach into the depths of our being to pull the plug that is holding our fear in, releasing it to the spirits of freedom.

Learn to breathe again.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Up and Over the Rise

Up and Over the Rise

"Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection" - Brené Brown

These past weeks have been a culmination of all that is new, terrifying, exciting, and adventurous. Learning to look not only at what is ahead but what has been accomplished behind, is important as we pursue onwards towards the undefined idea of life.

And life is undefined. There is no definition, rule book, or step-by-step guide that we follow for this journey. It is an adventure in and of itself; an  adventure many neglect to partake in, instead opting to live with sleepy and worn eyes.

We must embrace all that we do not know, all that we can never understand. For in that we release ourselves from the boundaries of limitation. 

My hope is to water the seeds planted within my spirit, the seeds of faith, knowledge, love, and adventure; to cultivate them and watch them flourish in the new chapter of my life, deepening their roots and flourishing their branches.

But perhaps the hardest and most difficult thing is to cut and trim those branches back, learning from mistakes and stumbles. But such is life, a continual opportunity to see, learn, and grow within the depths of our beings.

I look forward to what exists up and over the rise, but I will not forget all that occurred behind, those things that have propelled me to today, just sitting in a coffee shop, slowly sipping a latte as I try and collect the thoughts in the chasm of my mind.

I pray we all seek the light.

Monday, May 23, 2016

"The live of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
The wind blows over it and it is gone,
and the place there remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord's love is with those who fear him..."
~Proverbs 103:15-17~

This verse has always held a place in my soul, a constant reminder of what the simplest truth is; that we will disappear, vanish, never to be seen again. What a humbling thought that is when one considers how self-centered and self-focused we can become.
Time is the only thing we have but can never fully touch. It haunts those whose time ran out, and is a burden to those who wish it would end. But we are not in charge of time. She rules with a mighty thumb, a servant of God Himself. 

I have found myself caught between the parallel of trusting God with patience and the human understanding of time. I've come to the realization that I am not fully trusting God if I am unable to have the faith that He will lead me in His perfect timing and tell me what to say in His perfect way. I am not allowing God the oppurtunity to work within my life in the way He would like. 

I don't want God's permissive will,
I want His PERFECT will.

And seeking that perfect will to come about is going to require me to come under siege by the Lord's mercy and grace, 
trusting in Him with more faith.