Friday, August 17, 2018

The Blessed Unrest of Things in Life

Journal Entry. 24 June 2018

"The strangeness of absence does not appear at once. Ever so slowly it gains shape in the disappearance of thoughts and the boxed up photographs, the restaurants and stores no longer visited, the books no longer read."

A new school term is beginning in a few days and I find myself thinking about the absence of so many things from my life. Things that were once transpiring, directions that I once thought I was going; all of it forgotten until its absence takes shape and I begin to recognize what was and what has become of it all. 

Much of the past foreshadows the future, I think. If we look for it, it shall reveal itself, like a fading path amidst the prairie grasses is often stumbled upon. I wonder how much of life is unlived until one looks back, finally able to put the pieces thought to be so haphazardly cut back together.

As I type this, my eyes are drawn to the words taped to the wall above my desk. Words from different souls, walking through this world with questions and curiosities just as I do. These words have become beacons of light in a way, giving me reassurance, direction, and courage at times when I feel I have none at all. 

"...It is not yours to determine how good it is,
nor how it compares with other expressions. 
It is your business to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.
Keep the channel open.
No artist is ever pleased.
 There is no satisfaction whatever at any time.
There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes us more alive than the others."
Martha Graham to Agnes DeMille

I have discovered this blessed unrest (I suspect, however, that it has always been here and I have just now made its acquaintance).

Friday, February 10, 2017

a pondering of life...

I am fascinated with the world around me; with its colors, its feelings, its vibrancy. It excites me each and every day I awake, tempting me with its secrets I have yet to know.
I used to believe that everyone felt the same way I did, saw the same way I did.
But alas that is not the case. The world only sees itself in shades of grey; of dark, darker, darkest.

I believe we have become distracted, confused about our own position and role in the world we live. Our job is not to elect the leaders we think will implement change, rather, we are to be the leaders. As Gandhi so eloquently put it, “be the change you wish to see in the world”. We have, too often, sought others to implement the change we so desire to see; putting our wishes and deeply held wants in individuals we have little or no knowledge about. And when our chosen person fails, all chaos breaks loose. The world can not be changed by politics, only people. For if the people truly care, only then will the politics reflect it.

I often look around me and am mesmerized by the amount of diversity that I see. So many different faces, all with their own story; a past; a present; and a future to be. Their stories outnumber the sands in the seas, the winds in the air, the light through the leaves. How one could not be intrigued is beyond me. We create what we can and can’t do, what we will and won’t see. But most importantly, and the most crucial of all, is the fact that we determine what we will and won’t believe. Often times, our beliefs are based on ignorance, on both sides of the equation. We are so susceptible to become consumed with that which is popular or what is found to be the majority belief. But,

“All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

a letter of anticipation for the curious year ahead...

We are woven through our attempts to create ourselves; threads of different places, people, ideas, beliefs. All of these things slowly add liquid to our otherwise dry existence. Just like water is needed for clay, exploration is needed for our spirit and heart.
We will never “find” ourselves, for what is there to find? There is not another part of me waiting, somewhere out in the world, for this me to find it.
We create ourselves, who we are going to be. Each year allows us a year of necessary growth, of necessary pain. 3-6-5 days to explore the world and our place in it.
People think our lives are suppose to reflect the search for a lost city in some far off corner of the world.
I think our lives are much much more than that. We get to build that city, construct its architecture and create its beauty. To place value in things and importance on ideals.
Who wants to spend their life searching for something that is already within them?

/The list of resolutions rages on for forever, attempted but never succeeded at./

There is one simple resolution, however, that we should all write down on our list. One that should follow us for the extent of our lives.
And this is the simple and most important truth.
We should all strive to explore this beautiful world around us. It is breathing full of life, full of excitement, challenges, and adventure. Only by acknowledging our minute presence and great importance in this world can we ever hope to make a change in it, an impact.
The world is too magnificent to only see it through one lense. To understand its full beauty, we must be willing to grow, to stretch.
But, we must have roots, deep roots; roots reaching that undercurrent of water; that substance of life.

And to have a thirst to be curious, to wander more.

There is so much beauty that is unseen, unnoticed.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Thoughts to Face in the Morning

comes from learning 
that every tide 
need not be yours 
to get swept up in"
- a very wise M.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

a constant in which I can find no consistency

We pass slowly
from one moment to the next
from one thought into another
a dream into reality

this year has been a blur
like all years are.
too many late nights, unfinished books,
and wondering

Wondering about what is to come
the day after.
when i'm twenty-six
what then?
where will i be?
what will i've seen?
who have i become?

these are questions i can not find the answers to
questions i must learn to live with,
abide with.
breathe in and exhale their often poisonous forming gas.

i question everything, and i think we were made to
begged to.
to question the why.
why me?
why here?
why now?
where we find our answers is not always a when,
but rather a who.
or a what.


i have often been held back by some inward force within my nature.
i walk oh so carefully next to a tripwire 
-- dreams and adventures
sometimes i have the courage to step over.
sometimes i blindly pursue them,
 making a royal mess of everything.
and sometimes, more often i regretfully must say,
don't go near that trip wire at all.
that invisible thread that separates all i've ever been
and all i've ever wanted to be.

it's funny that people think those are the same things.
they are not. 
like Jupiter with its many circulating moons,
we are constantly circulating different ideas,
bouncing into different orbits we think we might belong.
if we're lucky we will stay there for awhile,
enjoying it's new sights, sounds, tastes.

but gravity, oh that darn gravity, will slowly pull me back to me.
and i start suffocating.
choking on my dreams.
unable to process the photo of reality into a clear image.
it's murky, dark, grey.
there are smudges from mistakes,
sections cut out from the frame of memories i wish to forget.
actions deemed forgotten.

yet here we stay, don't we.
always percolating on that which we can not change.


they say the english language is formatted in the 
"past, present, future".
everyone knows though that is not the case.
we live our lives rotating between the past we can no longer touch and the future we can not clearly see.

what is to be done with you and me?

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

What is bravery? 

Is it defined, restricted to only those who have crossed the battlefields, risen from a past, left a relationship?

Or can it be simple?

Can someone be considered brave for stepping out of their box, out of their comfortability to try that which they thought they could not or were simply to scared to?

And what does it mean to be scared?

We complicate things when we narrow or define them, 
placing limits on things which limits should not exist.

It is the simple act of breathing that is bravery,
arising from the cold comforts of bed to face the day ahead,
and all that it brings.

This dear one is bravery. 

It is not a righteous act that only the pretty and proud can achieve. Rather you and I live in a constant battle of whether or not we will reach into the depths of our being to pull the plug that is holding our fear in, releasing it to the spirits of freedom.

Learn to breathe again.